So, here we are. 2017. The year I’m gonna take leaps and bounds forward. Get my life back, get our lives as a family back on track.
A big part of this, for me, is where we live. Not the post code as such, but what it means. So, until about April 2016, me and Nu lived in our family home. Me, Beanie, Nunu and Stitch. It was our home. It was the house that Beanie fell in love with from the moment he saw it. I was a bit slower on the uptake, but I remember we came out of the viewing and he took my hand and said to me ‘I want that house to be our home’. We loved everything about it. We loved that the garden was low maintenance, that the windows in the dining room were portholes, the open fire, the location…..everything. It was our home.
It then became the home we started to redecorate and make ours. We picked paint and years later, we painted. It became a running joke with friends as to how long we had paint patches in the hall way (anyone remember the coffee cup?!). But we weren’t in any rush, we had the rest of our lives to redecorate right?
It the became the house we decided to have, created and brought home our wonderful Nu. And then it was the house we battled Cancer in. Tears, laughter, tears, poop, paracetamol and tears.
Then it was the house he left, and has never come back too. The house I returned too, knowing I’d never see him again. The house that I grieved in. The house that I will always grieve in. It’s our home.
And to some extent, it always will be. I can’t, nor would I want to, erase those memories! But, I can’t continue to live in our house without him. I just can’t do it. So, as part of getting better, I need to redefine ‘our home’. It needs to be mine and Nu’s.
So, in April 2016, I started making some changes. I redecorated the living room and started to make plans on the kitchen extension that Beanie started to look into a week or so before he died.
And then I got to the bedroom. Our bedroom. Because realistically, that’s what it still was. I’d like to say there was loads of planning in it, great thought, soul searching etc. But there wasn’t. I was in bed one night, and I just thought ‘yup, it’s time for a change’. So, impulse took over and I purchased a new (smaller) bed, bedside tables, wardrobe and also got some wall paper to help redecorate the living room.
To be honest, this blog has taken me a little while. I started it the night before the furniture was delivered, in the living room on a deck chair. Now, I’m sat on my beautiful, cozy new sofa and will soon be heading up to my new bedroom to watch my usual crap tv before bed. So everything has had a little while to bed in.
Do I feel like he’s even more gone? Do I feel like there’s less of him in the house? No, no of course I bloody don’t! Because my memories are, as listed above! They’re in my head, in my heart and soul. Etched into my very being. He is more than a sofa, more than a bed. He’s Beanie. And he’s everywhere. In our heads and our hearts. And, if you wanna get literal, on the bedside table and on my wedding finger in ash form!
I feel like there’s so much happening in my little world at the minute. Tattoos, extension plans, new furniture, work challenges… Nunu’s growing up, I seem to have found myself an actual boyfriend and there’s a whole world of crazy that goes with that! Some days are amazingly wonderful. Some days I end up sat on the cold kitchen floor sobbing to Even If, whilst the dog stare on in judgement. Some days I’m just so angry, I end up just screaming! Once I’m through of what ever’s going on, blog post of course to follow.
But for now, I seek comfort in my new furniture, the memories of my soul mate and the scary excitement of what else 2017 has to hold.