Number Eighty Nine: Blog for Beanie

Hello gorgeous man, how we doing? Good? Good.

Been thinking about you a lot recently. More so than usual. I’ve been meaning to visit you up at the Castle for a while, I’m sorry I haven’t. I will soon.

We’re good here. Nunu is a proper little girl now, you’d be so proud. She’s funny, cheeky, smart (a bit too much of a smart arse at times!), determined, independent and unique. And whilst I’m so proud of how she’s growing up, and I know you would be too, it just reinforces how long a go it was since we were a family. Leah, Beanie and baby Nunu. Photos come up on Timehop, I look through old photos, videos of us and she just looks so tiny. I show these photos to Nu and she says its “its Daddy and baby Rara”.

Sometimes our life together feels like a lifetime away. More than a lifetime. Especially the early days. Back when we lived in Southampton, both working full time, coming home to nights of simple food and crap TV, weekends in the pub, boozy Sunday roasts….whilst I remember, it’s hard to believe it was ever us. And that makes me so sad. Because I think in life, as couples grow together, they feel the same about their past but it’s ok because you’ve got the comfort of the present and the excitement of the future. No such joy here. I know it’s not helpful to think this way, and I don’t very often, but some days I just wish all of this is one very long, bad bad dream. And that I’ll wake up in our bed in your flat, back in 2010 when the biggest think we had to worry about was if we could do anything fun on the weekends I was working shifts. Simple, good times.

I’ve been back at work now for a year next week. A whole year! It was such a big step for me. Was a real ‘yes, this is the first step in my life without Beanie, without Cancer’, the first step in my new life I was stuck with. And I’ve loved every minute. And I know you’d be so proud of me going back and making it work. But in a way, I resent it because I don’t want to build a life without you. I shouldn’t have to! You should be here, sitting on the sofa with my digesting a fat Friday with us talking about what we’re gonna do over the weekend.

I long for the days when things were so simple. Life seems to be so complicated now a days! Everything seems more work, more stressful, more complicated….just more. I miss the simplicity of our lives. Even when Nu and Cancer came along, it was still simple because all we had to worry about was us. But now I feel like I have to worry about us, me, everyone, everyone else and everyone elses brother! It’s tiring. It’s exhausting! And I feel like I’m tired all the time. Which then makes me stressed and angry. And I end up snapping. And I’m worried I’m turning into someone I don’t like, someone you wouldn’t like. I dunno. Sometimes it’s just hard. I think it’s always hard, but some days are definitely harder than others.

So I try and escape. I go and exercise (finally addressing issues in #22!), or take a drive with loud music or go and walk the dogs. And something always makes me feel closer to you. Like today. This week’s been a busy, difficult one. Bsuy start, Nunu’s been poorly and then straight into work which is proper hectic at the minute. So Friday I leave work (late) and head to Stoke Park with the dogs. The suns setting and the sky is beautiful. And I come over a hill having just done my huge lap of the park and I spot the entrance to the gardens I’m heading for to go and collect Nunu. And I instantly remember that weekend when Mum had Nu for the weekend and we had a weekend just me, you and Stitch. Must have been towards the end of Sept as Stitch was still small, but it was before our next hellish Basingstoke trip. I had done a loop with Stitch and you’d gone to loose the loo (as usual). You came back and you called to Stitch from about 100m or so. And he clocked where you were and ran. It was such a simple thing, but I remember us being so proud of the ball of fluff.

Good, simple memory. Good, simple life. Good simple times.

So, this is where we are; in a good, but no so simple life, that you’re not a part of, but your memory pops up every now and again. And memories like that make my heart sing. Because nothing or no one can take those from me. They’ll always be mine. And even though they’re painful and sometimes hard to remember…would I rather not have them? No. Never. Because that would mean I wouldn’t have you.

Right, I think I’ve got to the stage where I’m not actually making any sense anymore! Ha! So, I promise I’ll come and visit you soon. Keep looking after me and your girl. Hope you’re looking after Juno, Alan and Belle. Give them all a squeeze from me.

I miss you so much Bean. The stars didn’t align for us, but the shattered pieces are always with me. Keeping holding on to me, don’t ever let go.

All my love, for always,

Your Leah xo




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