Number Ninety Three: A Blog for Beanie

Hello gorgeous man, how we doing? You good? Yeah, I’m good.

Sorry it’s been a while. Your ‘wonderful’ idea of extending the kitchen has kind of consumed our lives over the last few months!! But, hope you’re pleased with how it’s coming on. I know it’s a lot of blue, but ultimately I’ve been think about stuff you’d like as well as what works for me and Nu. I’m really pleased, but can’t wait to get home!

But wanted to write to you tonight and say hi. Ed Sheeran’s headlining Glastonbury. It’s Sunday night. Suns going down. Needless to say, you’re on my mind. I remember us watching him on the Pyramid stage a few years ago. I remember you telling me how much you loved him, and that it was probably more than you loved me. I remember telling you that this was acceptable. I know if you were here, we’d be sat watching it together, having similar conversations. Instead, I’m here on my parents sofa, watching this amazing acceptable ginge open his set with Castle On The Hill – a song that I would have probably just enjoyed if it wasn’t for where you’re scattered. Yeah, I’m not gonna get through this without a silent tear or two…..

So, I mainly wanted to check in to let you know that despite the hectic, stressful madness of the last few months with the house and other issues, that I’m ok. I’m a bit better than ok I think actually. For the first time in a very, very long time. I think year 2 is a bit better than year one. Anniversaries don’t seem to have the same sting that they did last year. Definitely less of a squeezing-a-lemon-over-a-fresh-graze type feel. Days are still hard. Fathers day was hard. The tumour has shrunk day was hard. I’m not looking forward to July surgery memories. I still don’t have any interest in celebrating my birthday in any way. I’m not looking forward to October-December. But, I’ve gotten through year one, I sort of know what to expect. I don’t think it’ll be any easier. But it’ll be a devil I know, and I think that in itself helps.

Ed’s just started on A-Team, the  crowds lit up with mobile phone lights. So many pretty little lights, you’d like it. In an odd way, reminds me of the fairy lights that lined the beach bar in Bali, or the stars we used to watch in Arkansas or Florida when we were on holiday……

Some days I can listen to Ed, some days I can’t. Some days I can listen to Ella Eyre, sometimes I can’t. But, as you’ll have seen I’m re-watching Dr Who! I’ve stopped being scared of it now, and am actually quite enjoying it. Matt Smith is awesome, I do love him so.

Don’t now being played – reminds me of listening to this in Cindy whilst driving down into Hampshire or up into Essex. As much as I still think the evoque looks like a large animal has sat on it, I did love Cindy…..even when it became clear I wasn’t capable of driving her and crashed her twice!

Reasons I’m ok? Combination of reasons really. Keep trying to make good choices where I can. Working enough, but not too much. Eating as well as I can, but certainly not depriving myself of cake. Exercising has definitely become a major antidepressant factor for me. Still loving the running (I know, so odd!) and really determined to smash Race for Life this year. Gym every now and again, swimming when it’s hot and the occasional longer dog walk when temperament of Nunu allows. These factors makes the base, tomato and cheese of my pizza. But, there is a high quality topping. Cajun chicken mark II? Who knows.

The Boy From Lee.

He’s cool. He’s different, that’s for sure. But I like him. I really like him. Nunu seems to find him acceptable and Stitch hasn’t picked up anything I should worry about.

Lego house now…..have always preferred this song live compared to the album version! Think it’s the ‘wooaahs’.

But back to The Boy From Lee. It’s very odd. It’s like I’ve rewound 10 years. 10 years to when I was working in Gosport, before you, before any of this. I drove past the end of his road for almost 3 years, 5 days a week, our paths never crossed until the joy of internet dating. Going back, so familiar but so different. I was sat on the beach with him a couple of weeks ago. Looking out at the Isle of Wight and the Fag Tower at Fawley. Such a familiar view, that it feels I haven’t looked out on in a life time. Because it was I suppose! But I sit with him, and I feel good. I feel happy. I feel a bit freaked out, because the last time I felt this way was around the 16th August 2009…….but we had a chat about that at the Castle and I’m good with that now.

So, I’m optimistic. I think I’ve got a clearer view of the future now, of what I want from it and what I don’t. About what I’m prepared to compromise on and what I’m not.

I miss you. Every single day. And I always will. I’ll always be sad that you’re not here. And you’ll always be part of my life, not just as a background memory, but as a living present memory because that’s what I need, and that’s what Nunu needs. We’ll always love you.

Photograph…… of your favourites. One that has a whole new meaning now you’re gone. One that reminds me of the end of our first date, when you walked me home and we kissed under the lamppost outside the Cube…..

I don’t know what the future holds. I know what I’d like it to hold, but as we both know my love, plans mean fuck all in this crazy life! So, I’ll stay strong and keep hopeful that things will be ok. And that you’re still looking after me from your TARDIS, guiding me through my gut to do the right thing.

But my gut feels good now. I’m the girl with the TARDIS tattoo. It’s good.

Love you lots, miss you muchly. Cuddles for Juno.







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