Hello you, how goes it? You good? Yeah, I’m good. Well actually, no. No I’m not good. But I guess you knew that which is why I’m writing.
So, I know you’ve never been brilliant with dates, but I think even you can remember this one. November 19th. The day time froze until you boarded your TARDIS and left for your next adventure. AKA death day.
There hasn’t been a day in the last year I haven’t thought about you at some point, but you’ve been on my mind intrusively recently. I remember when you first got diagnosed with the tashy bastard tumours and your started Googling, and as much as I nagged, and Angie nagged, you wouldn’t stop?! I’ve kind of been doing the same, but looking up the past. I know, I know, it’s not healthy. But I just can’t help it. I look back at our WhatsApp messages, Facebook posts, blog posts. I read back on our WhatsApp messages from when you were in hospital, I can hear your voice in my head reading them. Asking if your new found relationship with milk was like cheating on me, making demands as to what drinks I should bring up, talking about the relationships you hope I’d have with your friends (FYI – Mr and Mrs B and the Ice Cream family will always be my nearest and dearest), and how much we loved each other. How much we enjoyed just being together. How we regretted wasted evenings at home, hidden behind technology. It’s almost like it sucks me into a world where you’re still here. And then I pull my head up and reality smacks me in the face. Or Nunu. Or the dog licks it.
Looking back, I’m amazed at our positivity. Sometimes I’m angry with it. Angry how positive we were in such shitty shitty shitty times, and the blissful ignorance at what lay ahead of us, and ahead of me and Nu.
2016 has been a bit of a shockingly shit year over all. I’ve had discussions with people that we’re actually living in a parallel universe with all the fucked up stuff that’s happened this year. So I’ve been lucky to have good times, amazing times! With some amazing people, old and new.
But sat here, this week, remembering last year as if it happened last week, I feel like I’ve gone back to square one. I know I haven’t. I know I’m doing really well and that’s reflected back to me in Nunu. I mean, she’s amazing. She really is! She’s so funny, cheeky and loving. She’s also a complete cow, stroppy, stubborn and belligerent (wonder where she gets that from eh?). And I look at her, and all I see is you. I see your weird toes that she uses to pick up her dummy, the fact that she can eat like a horse and she’s still as thin a twiglet, the fact that she goes to bed at night tucked up with Mickey Mouse and a TARDIS….she’s you. She’s us. And she always will be. And that gives me so much joy but breaks my heart all at the same time.
But at the same time, for all the good, there will always be bad. That you’re not here. And you should be. You were 37 years old. 37! We’d just got married, our baby was just 1, we had our house, we both had great jobs lined up. Life was good. So good. And then bastard Cancer fucked it all up. Like it has done for so many others. And it just makes me so angry. So angry and so unbelievably sad. To the point that sometimes I still go to bed, silent tears running down my face, muttering the words ‘you should be here’. Because you should.
So I think on the amazing 6 years, 3 months we had together. Bali. Hawaii. Florida. Southampton. Guildford. Roast potatoes. The Edge. Lightbulbs. France. Fat Friday. Movies. Soho drinking. Batchelor. Rose. Cocktails. Sofa. Dr Who. Bed at 20.45. Super king size beds. And every single minute of it puts a smile on my face.
I watched our wedding video recently, and the line ‘she gets me, I get her’ still stays with me. I don’t think anyone will ever understand me as much as you did. You knew how to make me happy. You knew what to do when I was sad. You knew exactly how to make me happy. And you loved me. And I loved you. And that meant everything, it always will.
I don’t know if any of this makes sense. It’s certainly my most articulate blog.
So where do we go from here? What happens after the 19th? Does time reset and you get a shiny fresh new perspective on things? Who knows. But I know you’ll always be with me, in some way or another. If I’m honest, I still find it difficult to fully process the fact that I will never see you again. That hurts.
2017 will be better. I’m sure it will. Have decided to give Christmas my full on appreciation again (although still no where near as excited as I used to be) and try and pass on that magic feeling to Nu. 2017 will echo 2013; filled with amazing holidays, good memories and good times.
It will always suck that you’re not hear. And I’m going to carry that with me for the rest of my life. But, life is for living not for mourning the past. The past won’t be forgotten, it will inform the joy and adventure today. So, I’ll forever hold Nunu closer, try not to hide behind technology and will carry on. Because I have to, and because I want to.
Forever safe in the knowledge that you and your TARDIS won’t ever be floating too far away.
All my love, for always gorgeous man.