So, the last few weeks have been shit. No other word for it really. I struggled more than I ever thought I would with the death day anniversary, which resulted in some time off work and relying quite heavily on people around me. Each and every one of you are awesome, and I love you more than any of you will ever know.
As predicted, the lead up to the 19th was worse than the actual day. The day was good, and although the day was a bit hectic and quite rushed, the evening was pretty perfect (burgers, pub, Beanie banter, standard fayre!).
The night before, I had the ultimate distraction; a Frank Turner gig in Sailsbury. TDW (who for some unknown reason is still putting up with me!), is a little obsessed with this dude and so we’re lined up for 4 shows. This was my first. And it was good, really good! He puts on a good show Mr Turner and even had me bouncing up and down to songs I’d never even heard before.
But, it was like watching TV to distract yourself from the fact that the dog bed in the corner is on fire. As soon as there was any type of break, the fire gets your full attention. And so my unhelpful technicolour memory kicks in. My conversation with the night nurse about how much he’d changed in the last 12 hours. When he stopped drinking. When he stopped talking…….
So we drive home, TDW goes and I fall apart.
But, I’m through it. We’re on the other side. And its a different place to the whole this time last year thing. You just can’t stay there. This time last year, he was gone. And it was the beginning so there were minimal positives. And so you find yourself standing on the edge of this cavern you’ve just spent the last 12 months battling through. And the question you’re faced is; do you standing there for the next 12 going over every bit of how the hell you got through it, so tied to the past you’re not sure where or if you’re living anymore?
Or, do you scream at the fucking cavern, grabbing it by the collar and nutting it in the face for even daring to materialise itself in your path, and turn your back on it, spin round in your tattered converse, and walk away from it. Walk forward, being proud of each and every scar that hideous cavern has given you and how that’s made you the awesome person you are today? Yup, you guessed it. And if you haven’t, go back to tip #1, read from the beginning and then email me an apology as to why you’d think I’d ever consider option one 😉
2017 is all about me doing more than simply surviving. I’m not just going to get back to work, I’m going to get back into work and start really developing my role. I’m going to stop filling my face with shit and sitting on my arse and I’m going to loose weight. I’m going to improve my fitness. I’m going to do fun things with my daughter. I’m going to do fun things without her. We’re gonna have an awesome life that Beanie can check on every now and again from his TARDIS and say ‘bloody hell, my girls are doing good’.
So, my sound track to this walk away? Get Better by Frank Turner. This song is so fitting that it deserves the lyrics to be displayed, special ones highlighted and the video posted alongside it.
Because while you’re alive, there’s always hope for things to get better. You’re not dead yet. Live, laugh, love. And enjoy every fucking second you can. So thanks Frank. Thanks for getting me to jump around. Thanks for the word, thanks for the song and thanks for the kick up the arse.
“I got me a shovel
And I’m digging a ditch
And I’m going to fight for this four square feet of land like a mean old son of a bitch
I got me a future
I’m not stuck on the past
I got no new tricks, yeah I’m up on bricks but me
I’m a machine and I was built to last
I’m trying to get better because I haven’t been my best
She took a plain black marker, started writing on my chest
She drew a line across the middle of my broken heart
And said, come on now, let’s fix this mess
We could get better
Because we’re not dead yet
They threw me a whirlwind
And I spat back the sea
I took a battering but I’ve got thicker skin and the best people
I know looking out for me
So I’m taking the high road
My engines running high and fine
May I always see the road rising up to meet me
And my enemies defeated in the mirror behind
I’m trying to get better because I haven’t been my best
She took a plain black marker, started writing on my chest
She drew a line across the middle of my broken heart,
And said: “Come on now, let’s fix this mess”
We could get better
Because we’re not dead yet
It’s just a knot in the small of your back
You could work it out with your fingers
It’s just a tune that got stuck in your head
You could work it out with your fingers
It’s just some numbers tangled up in your sums
You could work it out with your fingers
It’s just a simple braille mission from the person you miss
A reminder you could always be
A little bit better than this
So try and get better and don’t ever accept less
Take a plain black marker and write this on your chest
Draw a line underneath all of this unhappiness
Come on now, let’s fix this mess
We could get better
Because we’re not dead yet
We could get better
Because we’re not dead yet“
How to survive life with Cancer and a New Born 